HIMYM 8x19: The Fortress

Barney's apartment is a bit skeevy and Robin's not terribly keen on living there after they get married, so he agrees to look for a new place. Not just anyone deserves a chance to live in the Fortress of Barnitude, though, so rather than list it with a realtor, Barney tries to get Ted to buy the place and turn it into the Fortress of SoliTed.

The place even has a futuristic 3D hologram projector. Who wouldn't want it?

However, even the giant, 3D floating head gag isn't enough to convince Ted to buy the place; he knows what's gone on there and how disgusting the place is. So, Barney tells Robin that he's going to have to keep the apartment and the two of them will have to live there together forever. She's not terribly happy about that, so he slides her into the wall (I'll explain that later).

Meanwhile, Lily's doing so much work for The Captain that she and Marshall haven't had time to have sex or watch Woodworthy Manor... which is apparently a super-pretentious faux Downton Abbey.

Geez, Ted even acts like a douche when he watches TV.

Marshall and Lily plan a big fancy night out with Ted staying home to babysit Marvin, but when the time comes, she gets called away by The Captain once again. Ted gets a bit creepy and Marshall cheats on his wife by watching Woodworthy Manor without her.

Then the plots merge. Robin holds an open house and invites Ted, Marshall, and Lily over to pretend they're prospective buyers and fill the place out a bit. Ted's a douche, so he decides to take on a character: Emsbury Postlethwaite, a cricket player who hates his life. Inspired, and also a little angry at his wife, Marshall takes on a character of his own: Emsbury's husband.

While Lily and Marshall argue, Barney shows off all the special one-of-a-kind features of his apartment, which actually repel potential buyers, rather than enticing them. But one couple sees through Barney's wholly accurate representation and decides to buy the place anyway. At first, he's a bit bummed, but later he realizes that the Fortress of Solitude was where Superman went to be alone, and he doesn't want to be alone anymore. He tells Robin that he's willing to give up his apartment for her, but Robin tells him that when the couple crapped all over his inventions, she scared them away with the big 3D Jor-El head.

Get out! Rob-El has spoken!

She realized that if she changed too many things about Barney, then he wouldn't be the man she inexplicably fell in love with. Then Lily realizes she's been spending too much time working and takes the night off. The episode ends with Barney hugging Ted as he pulls off a play of his own devising, hereafter known as the Emsbury Postlethwaite.

He's ready to graduate from Bro School.

What I Liked
-The Captain's willing to go as high as six cartons of cigarettes and a jug of toilet wine to buy some art by a prisoner at Riker's Island. I appreciate a man who's willing to pay what something's worth.
-Barney thinks it would be cool to see his deal "floating around all huge-like on the big Jor-El cam." Giant 3D floating penises are hilarious.
-There are mimosas, the smell of freshly-baked cookies, and a middle-aged woman in a red blazer in his apartment, so Barney thinks Robin greenlit his orgy. That's a pretty safe bet. It didn't go his way this time, but it probably will if the same thing ever comes up in the future.

What I Hated
-Downton Abbey jokes. Those would've been really sharp and current two years ago. No, that's a lie. They would've been current, but I don't think anything could've made them sharp.
-This extra's hair. There's nothing wrong with it per se but it was right between Barney and Robin, and that made it really distracting.

It even took the focus away from Cobie's boobs.

Final Thoughts
Here, for your amusement are the various innovations one can find in the Fortress of Barnitude:

The Ho-B-Gone Sleep System

The Heavy Set Go welcome mat/BMI calculator. 'Cause there's only one kinda chubby you want in the bedroom.

The Room with a Screw

The Escape from Bitch Mountain

I guess Future Ted was being really pedantic when he said that Jeanette was the last woman he dated before he met their mother, because at the end of the episode he heads off to bang some chick who the credits call 'Tabatha'. Although, I suppose a one-night stand doesn't technically count as a date, it's kinda weird for Ted to be pulling plays of his own after finally deciding to stop dating and settle down for good. While I wouldn't expect him to be a monk or anything, I daresay that banging random women is probably the exact opposite way he should be going. But, lest we forget, Ted is a douche, so it's not surprising that he'd go that way.

This episode was basically on par with most of the other episodes this season, so it wasn't that good and it wasn't that funny. The various Fortress of Barnitude gags were kinda fun, although the green screen outside the window was pretty dumb. GREEN SCREENS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! Anyway, the episode wove the two plot lines together relatively well, but I honestly didn't care about either of them, and it's not like anything changed: Barney and Robin are still going to live in his apartment, and Marshall and Lily are going to spend some time together rather than working all the time. It was a bit of a change for Lily to be the one to be working to much rather than Marshall, but they've done that plot about three times already on this show, so it's reeeeeeeeeeeeealy hard to dredge up any enthusiasm for it.