Thursday, June 18, 2015

Game of Thrones 5x10: Mother's Mercy


It's season finale time. Who will live? Who will die? Who will care?

Stannis
It seems that the sacrifice has worked as things have started to thaw out, but it's not all good news for the sole-surviving Baratheon. Selyse has decided that she actually did care about Shireen, and has hanged herself in the woods. Also, all the sellswords buggered off in the middle of the night and stole all the horses. Then just when he thinks it can't get any worse, Melisandre rides out of camp (apparently the sellswords stole all but one of the horses). "Well, them's the breaks," thinks Stannis, and he decides that a prophecy's a prophecy, so he'll just march his remaining men to take Winterfell without horses, siege weapons, superior numbers, or food. It doesn't go well for him.

Two minutes after they arrive, Stannis' forces are overwhelmed by the Boltons' cavalry and annihilated. Stannis himself manages to limp away to the woods, and even show a little baddassitude by killing two Bolton pursuers at the same time. Unfortunately, he's wounded, alone, and probably won't be able to drag his ass back to Dragonstone. Even more unfortunately, Podrick spotted his army coming in, and Brienne is not at all happy to see him. She's still a little miffed that Stannis killed Renly, so she tracks him to the woods and asks him if he has any last words before she whips out Oathkeeper and takes a swing at his head. All he can think to say is "Go on, do your duty."
"I've had a really bad day."

Sansa
Most of the Bolton soldiers are out slaughtering Stannis' men, so Sansa figures it's the perfect time to escape. She picks the lock on her room and heads up the ruined tower to light the candle Brienne had smuggled in to her. Unfortunately, Brienne is busy likewise engaged in Stannis-related business, so she can't come and save her. Myranda catches her out of her room, tells her of all the horrible things Ramsay has in store for her, and aims an arrow at her chest. That's all Theon can stands, he can't stands no more, so he tosses Myranda over a railing to her death, and leaps with Sansa from the wall of Winterfell into a snow bank and the freedom of season 6. Or to their deaths. Probably freedom, though.
Although, it is a reaaaaaaly long way down.

Arya
Ser Meryn doesn't just like underage prostitutes, he likes beating them. Arya's not cool with that, so she poses as a young whore, stabs his eyes out, then slits his throat. Later, she returns a borrowed face to the hall of the Many-Faced God. Jaqen catches her, and as punishment he forces her to watch him drink poison. Which is an odd punishment, to be sure. As she weeps over his body, the girl who has been taunting her all season turns into Jaqen and tells her that dead Jaqen wasn't Jaqen at all, he was no one. Arya rips faces off dead Jaqen until she reaches one that looks like her, then she goes blind because to a girl who is still someone, the faces are as good as poison. It's very confusing.
A girl has no idea what's going on.

Jaime
It's time to sail back to King's Landing. Ellaria gives Myrcella an obviously poisoned kiss goodbye, Tyene gives Bronn an obviously erotic bite on the ear, then it's sailing time. Two minutes into the trip, while Jaime awkwardly tries to explain his love for his own sister, Myrcella tells her dad that she already knows and that she's glad he's her dad. Then she drops dead. Back on the dock, Ellaria wipes some blood from her nose, cleans the poison from her lips, then downs the antidote. Then, I assume she and the Sand Snakes flip the boat off, Dornish style, before they walk home.
That's two kings, a crown prince, a prince, and three princesses that Jaime's lost during his time in the Kingsguard. It may be time for a new vocation.

Daenerys
Jorah and Daario ride north to look for their queen, while Tyrion, Grey Worm, Missandei, and (surprise!) Varys stay behind to run the city. Daenerys herself is somewhere off in the mountains trying to convince Drogon to take her home. He's a sleepy dragon, though, so she goes for a walk and is quickly surrounded by a... er... whatever the hell they call a group of Dothraki. So, I guess she'll be hanging out with them again next season.
I hope she remembers how to ride a horse.

Cersei
Cersei's tired of getting smacked around, so she confesses some of her sins and is shown the Mother's mercy. Which entails getting her head shaved and then walking home naked while the townspeople wave their genitals in her direction and throw what appears to be barbecue sauce at her. When she gets back to the Red Keep, she's met by her uncle Kevan, Qyburn, and the latest member of the Kingsguard.
Ser Frankenmountain

Jon
With Aemon dead, the castle needs a new maester, so Sam asks Jon if he can take Gilly and Little Sam to Oldtown so he can train at the Citadel. Reluctantly, Jon agrees. Later, Ser Davos begs for whatever Jon can spare, but the Night's Watch is low on just about everything, so there's nothing to send. Melisandre shows up (because apparently Stannis' camp was a 20-minute horse ride from Castle Black), and looks sad while Jon and Davos ask her what happened to Stannis and Shireen, respectively. Still later, Olly bursts into the Lord Commander's office to tell him of a wildling who has news of his uncle Benjen. Instead, he finds Ser Alliser and about fifteen other brothers standing around a sign that reads "TRAITOR". Then the actual traitors pull out their daggers and one-by-one, stab Jon to death. Yes, he's really, super dead and he's not coming back. For serious.
I mean, that's not chocolate syrup beside him.

What I Liked
-Wounded, and alone, Stannis still manages to kill two dudes before he goes down. He hasn't really had the chance to whip out his sword since season two.
-Myranda's head makes a satisfying splat when it hits the ground. She was boring, and I'm glad she's gone.
-When he dies, Jon's pupils dilate. I'll assume it was a special effect and not just incredible facial acting by Kit Harington.

What I Hated
-Literally a minute after he says the sellswords left with all the horses, Stannis' commander tells him that Melisandre was seen riding out of camp. It's like the writers never went back over the script after they wrote it.
-Brienne looks away from the broken tower five seconds before Sansa lights the candle. A watched pot never boils, I guess.
-The kiss of death could not have been more obvious.
I guess they don't have Sicilians in Westeros.
-"You want a good girl, but you need a bad pussy." That's a line so bad it hurts me to read it.
-Everything with Cersei. There was nothing good about her scenes at all.
-"Shame... shame... shame... *ding*" I'm not sure what they were going for with that bit, but it really just made me laugh.
SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!
-The weird body-double/cgi thing they did with naked Cersei. It made her head and neck look quite odd. Also, the merkin the body double was wearing was ridiculous.
Lena Headey and Lena Headonsomeoneelsesbodyey
-The walk of shame takes forever. It takes 4 minutes 45 seconds from the time she's stripped naked until the time the door closes behind her at the Red Keep. For comparison, it only takes 5:35 for the Boltons to wipe out Stannis' army, and that includes Brienne taking a swing at Stannis' head and Ramsay executing an injured soldier on the battlefield. It would be fine if it were at all interesting, but it's boring as all hell. To me, she got her comeuppance when she was arrested.
-When she's finished walking, she looks like Bruce Willis at the end of Die Hard. Is the ground in King's Landing made of glass or something?

Final Thoughts
Little Sam is clearly still a tiny baby, and Gilly had him in the middle of season three. Which means that everything that's happened since then has taken place over the course of about a year. It seems like an awful lot has happened in that time.

Poor Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson. He's still going to be on the show from time to time, but he's not going to be doing much in the way of acting if his character can't talk and you can't see his face.

They couldn't have telegraphed the fact that Olly was going to stab Jon more if they'd had him hold up a sign that said "I'm going to stab Jon". Seriously, anyone who was surprised by that wasn't paying attention. Of course, now we're left with the question of just who the hell would want to be the new Lord Commander of the Night's Watch. The last two were murdered by their own men, and by now there can't be more than 600 total brothers left to defend the wall against an army of tens of thousands of wights and walkers. The wildlings would've easily overwhelmed Castle Black without Stannis' intervention and they were no match for the army of the dead. At this point, they might as well seal all the tunnels and disband. Which would be fine by me, because if Jon really is permadead, there's no one left at Castle Black to give a crap about. Seriously, the men mutinied because Jon saved a bunch of wildlings who would've otherwise wound up as members of an enormous zombie army. Winter is coming, and the only people with any sense of what that actually means are dead. I'm rooting for the Others. At least they're not stupid.

Speaking of stupid, I'm not a Stannis the Mannis fan or whatever they're called, but I've gotta wonder how he went from greatest military general of his generation to getting completely wiped out in the space of a single season. Apparently, he went deaf as well, because half his army deserted in the middle of the night and took all the horses, and he didn't hear a thing. Which brings up something else that's sure to be ignored: There's now a substantial army of sellswords out there, riding around the North with no food and no way to get back home. They ought to begin pillaging the countryside fairly soon.

What the hell is Petyr going to do now? I know he's got the whole wheels within wheels thing going on, but Sansa's no longer at Winterfell and Stannis is no longer in any condition to capture it. Sure, he's Lord of Harrenhal and protector of the Vale, but that's not really worth too much. Even his brothel's been destroyed, so if he's got some grand plan in mind, it seems like it's probably not going that well.

Since Brienne doesn't know that Sansa escaped, when she goes back to look for the candle again, she'll see it's still lit and will break into Winterfell to try to save her. Or they'll coincidentally run into each other on the street. It's happened before.

Apparently Loras, Margaery and Tommen have gone off to live with Gendry, Osha, Rickon, Edmure Tully, the Greyjoys, the Brotherhood Without Banners, and Salladhor Saan in the land of forgotten characters.

I figure Myrcella's dead, Stannis is alive, Jon's dead but not for long, Theon and Sansa are just fine, Arya will be blind for three episodes, and Cersei will take the opportunity to grow out her bangs.

Overall, I didn't much care for this episode. Stannis, Jaime, and the brothers of the Night's Watch were stupid, Daenerys and company didn't do much of anything, and Cersei was incredibly boring. I had such high hopes for this season, but the writers didn't fare too well. When they straight up adapted the books, they did fine. But when they tried to merge plots and make up their own stuff, they failed miserably. With very little left in the (published) books for them to draw on, I'm not optimistic about what they'll do next year.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Game of Thrones 5x09: The Dance of Dragons


After a long hiatus, I have returned.

We're following five stories this week.

Stannis' Camp
Ramsay and his twenty good men manage to sneak into Stannis' camp and set fire to damn near everything, destroying tents, killing horses, and burning much of the food. Now lacking the resources to properly lay siege to Winterfell or to return to Castle Black, Stannis sends Ser Davos back to Jon Snow to ask for supplies, then reluctantly burns Shireen as an offering to the Lord of Light.
Her mom's not too happy about it.

The Wall
Jon returns from beyond the wall with what remains of the wildlings. After a brief moment of hesitation, Ser Alliser opens the gate for them, then tells Jon that his compassion will get everyone killed.
Olly's not too happy about it, either.

Dorne
Doran allows Jaime to take Myrcella back to King's Landing, so long as Trystane accompanies them so their engagement may continue and he can take a seat on the Small Council. Bronn is also set free, with one condition: Areo gets to elbow him in the face.
Bronn's not too happy about it.
Later, the Sand Snakes are freed, and Ellaria tearfully pledges her allegiance to Doran and ends the rebellion... such as it was.

Braavos
A girl is just about ready to kill the thin man, when the ship carrying Mace Tyrell and Meryn Trant arrives. So, instead of doing her duty, Arya decides to stalk Meryn to a brothel, where she witnesses him buying the services of a young prostitute.
The prostitute's not too happy about it. Neither is Meryn, for some reason.

Meereen
It's fight night! The great pit is open, and it's time for blood! Jorah fights in a small mêlée, and miraculously pulls out a win. Daenerys isn't overly happy to see him down in the pit until he picks up a spear and fires it into the chest of an assassin. Apparently the Sons of the Harpy are big fight fans, too, and after the second fight, several dozen of them pop out of the crowd and start killing everyone, including Hizdahr. Eventually, all the named characters and a handful of Unsullied are surrounded by about 100 assassins. Even though they attack one at a time, kung-fu movie style, it doesn't look good for our heroes. But, when all seems lost, Drogon flies out of nowhere and starts kicking ass.
Also, burning it. See, 'cause their butts are on fire.
The vast majority of the Sons are either killed or frightened off, but the few who remain start to launch spears at Drogon, who is tough, but not invincible, so Daenerys climbs onto his back, and the two of them fly off into episode 10.

What I Liked
-Either the guards at the camp were incompetent, or in league with Ramsay, either way, Stannis wants them hanged. Tough, but fair.
-After Areo busts him in the chops, Doran offers Bronn some soup. I like a leader who has a sense of humour.
-Daario says you should always bet on the little guy. Then this happens:
Heh... now he's even littler.
-Just before the battle starts, a bug crawls across Iain Glen's upper lip. He didn't flinch or brush it away or anything, though. That's the sign of a real actor.

What I Hated
-Regardless of whether Stannis' guards were on his side or not, Ramsay apparently has supernatural fire-lighting powers. There's no one around, and fires just start popping out of nowhere.
Seriously, who lit all those fires?
-Selyse, who despised her daughter and had the utmost devotion to the Lord of Light, suddenly can't stand to see the former sacrificed to the latter. Riiiiiiight.
-Arya very obviously takes the poison out of her cart and puts it into a pouch on her waist. It's done entirely for the benefit of the viewer, in case we've forgotten that she was going to poison the crooked insurance agent, but it was just so clunky and obvious. When you're going to assassinate someone, you need to be inconspicuous. You don't wave the murder weapon around for all to see. She also quite obviously follows Meryn around, to the point that he'd have to be blind not to see her.
-They make Meryn into a creepy dude who likes underage prostitutes. There was already a perfectly good reason to kill him. Not everyone who Arya kills has to be a complete monster, it'd be fine if some of them were just kinda dickish.
-The Unsullied continue to suck. Apparently being trained from birth doesn't give you the skills to take down a bunch of pampered noblemen with short daggers and no armour. Seriously, for a renowned and feared fighting force, they're pretty worthless.

Final Thoughts
Where the hell is Arya getting all her oysters, clams, and cockles? Is the House of Black and White furnishing her with a new cartful every day?

The Sons of the Harpy must've bought those masks in bulk.

Hizdahr's dead. Does anyone care? He didn't really do much of anything, and the actor playing him wasn't exactly compelling. I'm not sure what the point of the including him was if they were just going to unceremoniously kill him off.

Ser Alliser takes his oath to the Night's Watch seriously, but he's a complete moron. If Jon hadn't gone to Hardhome, there'd be a few thousand more walking dead making their way down to the wall. Apparently, Alliser and Olly simply don't understand that. To the point that I think they both must've been kicked in the head by mules when they were younger.

Killing Shireen makes absolutely no sense. Stannis hasn't had the best luck fathering heirs, and she was his sole surviving child. Without her to succeed him, what's the point? And don't give me any of that Warrior of Light nonsense. If that's all he cared about, he could've stayed at Castle Black and waited for the White Walkers there. He wants to be King. Apparently, he wants to be King, rule for 30-40 years, then die of old age, leaving the throne to some distant cousin.

Honestly, it doesn't seem like there's anyone who's really capable of holding back the long night. Cersei's too paranoid and Tommen's too weak, Daenerys is too inept, Jon's surrounded by morons who hate him, and Stannis is too unlucky. Unless there are some drastic changes next season, season seven is liable to be the story of how the White Walkers rolled over Westeros and conquered the world. Which might be good.

As for this particular episode, it had some enjoyable moments, but those were outweighed by the moments that made me want to punch stupid characters in the face.